I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. They need to teach a class on how to fly. Let me clarify; I mean they need to teach a class on how to properly navigate the airport: where to go, when to go there, and HOW to do it without being a horrible human being. The HOW is the most important, in my opinion. Also included in said class is proper airplane etiquette.
I’ve compiled a handy short list of do’s and don’ts for your convenience. I’m only telling you this because I fly. Like a lot. And I would never lie to you, my faithful reader. Never.
1. Under no circumstances do you smile at a TSA agent. Smiles only draws attention to you and may result in additional “swab” time. Unless you’re into that…
2. Never wear complicated lace up boots or heels. There are people behind you that would rather claw their eyes out with a dull butter knife than endure you and your high maintenance shoes. I bet there’s a full bottle of Evian in your Gucci bag too. Furthermore, nobody and I mean NOBODY cares if you look good going through security. Mr. Wonderful isn’t at the airport and he most certainly is not going through security. He’s on a private jet en route to Tahiti – sipping champagne and eating hand rolled sushi prepared by his personal chef.
3. If someone offers you a wheelchair or ride on the XL beeping golf cart, just say, “yes please!” and hold on tight. There’s nothing quite like a little germ infested wind running through your hair at 7mph.
5. Crying will get you nowhere. There’s no crying in baseball and there’s no crying at the airport.
6. Despite what Dierks Bentley claims, it is actually frowned upon to get drunk on a plane. And get real, you’re not buying drinks for every body and it most certainly is not a party. If you don’t know the Dierks song, “Drunk on a Plane” do yourself a favor and YouTube it.
7. Do not order a Michelob Ultra at the O’Hare Goose Island bar by gate B3 unless you’re prepared to pay $8.91 plus tip. Just sayin’…
8. If you’re “gluten free”, “dairy free”, or something new I haven’t heard of, you should probably avoid flying all together.
9. Don’t eat garlic and expect conversation. In fact, don’t expect conversation at all. Nobody cares about your daughter’s wedding in Poughkeepsie, not the least of all me.
10. Yoga pants = acceptable airplane attire. Cartoon pajama pants = embarrassing if you are over the age of 10. If this point requires further explanation, I need you to leave my site immediately.
11. Ladies, can we all just agree to STOP hovering?!? You pick up more possible diseases handling money than the backs of your legs do sitting on a public toilet seat. Google it.
12. And while I’m on the subject of bathrooms, please do us all a favor and just stop it with the bathroom selfies! No matter how fly you think you look in that fluorescent light, bae isn’t gonna be turned on by the row of 15 commodes in the bathroom behind you.
I could go on…but I think you get my point. I hope you learned a thing or two and will heed this frequent flyer’s advice.
See ya on the next post.
-The Chic(ish) Chick