That’s right. The struggle is real for a frequent flyer. This frequent flyer in particular. So. Many. Struggles. You may remember my post on airline etiquette. If not, I suggest you read it like you’re studying for the SAT’s. Do not commit the crimes I describe. Do the right thing and be a decent co-flyer. Much like the decent co-shopper I describe in my Walmart post. Decent co-flyer + decent co-shopper = delightful human being.
I flew this week. My first flight was Cedar Rapids to Orlando, connecting in Chicago. While Cedar Rapids is not exactly a tourist destination, the airport is lovely. There is rarely ever a line, the employees are friendly & helpful, and because it’s so small, you can get to your gate with ease. Exactly what I want in an airport. Not the stressful, chaotic situation that is Chicago O’Hare, for example. It is survival of the fittest in that place. Sometimes I walk – or let’s face it run – like I am a contestant on American Ninja Warrior. You have prepared for this for months and have run the course many times before, but until you’re in the moment, you just never know what obstacles will be the true deciding factor in your failure to get to your final destination. Someone please buy me a shirt that says, “Running at O’Hare is my cardio.”
Now, I’ve compiled a list of 10 random thoughts and struggles that you have undoubtedly experienced if you have ever had the pleasure of flying.
- I don’t know about you…but I get really dehydrated when I fly. I don’t care to understand the science behind it, but it’s a fact, Jack. Therefore, water is gold. They certainly up-charge it like it is. Think about it. You bring a water bottle to the airport, get up to security and you’re suddenly faced with a decision: throw it away or chug it? You will chug it every time, or at least try. See, all that practice with Tiffany’s beer bong in college came in handy after all. Don’t act like you’ve never done it.
- When I see someone use the tray table, I die inside. Doesn’t everyone know the tray table has more germs lingering on it than the airplane bathroom? It’s true. Google it. And don’t even get me started when I see someone eating an airline provided snack mix off said tray table. EW!
- A package of beef jerky, bag of mixed nuts and bottle of water will set you back approximately $943. Why is it when I fly that I suddenly decide to become a health nut? I can’t possibly devour that delicious Aunt Aunnie’s pretzel – oh no – too many calories! Yet I had zero problem wolfing down that burger, tots and Bud Light for dinner the night before. WTF…
- That moment when I become instantly rageful that my regularly scheduled ‘TSA pre-check’ does not show up on my boarding pass, for reasons unbeknownst to me. So, you’re telling me I have to (gasp) take off my shoes, rifle through my bag for tiny liquids and wait in that long line with all those sorry schmucks? Don’t you know who I am? I am Megan Ruffles, frequent flyer. I am most definitely TSA pre-check approved! Whoever made that mistake needs a reality check and a visit to the unemployment office. GET WITH IT!
- Ok question: can all of us women band together and agree to stop it with the squatting? Ya’ll clearly cannot do it correctly. The actual toilet seats are NOT the dirtiest surface in the bathroom. Fact. You can google that too.
- The jet way coming off a flight is not a great time for a leisurely stroll down the MIDDLE OF THE G-D AISLE. Especially when your fellow co-flyers have a 40 minute connection with gates ON OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE AIRPORT. Move it or lose it, Sally! Ain’t nobody got time for that!
- There are at least 10 McDonald’s kiosks within range at all times except when you’re desperate for McDonald’s. At that moment of desperation, there are zero McDonald’s within range. Zero.
- That moment when you accidentally drop your jacket on the bathroom floor. You find yourself staring down at your jacket and faced with a very important life decision: “What do I do? Maybe I should just leave it…it was only $30…”
- Why is it so hard to maintain a comfortable temperature on an airplane? I am either knocking icicles off my nose every 30 seconds or sweating like a whore in church. I guarantee first class is temperature controlled right along with their cozy blankets and free champagne. Lucky b*tches.
- That moment when the TSA agent says, “Have a good flight!” And you say, “Thanks you too!” And then you proceed to walk away with a cloud of shame hanging over your head…because they are definitely not flying anywhere today.
Ya feel me?
Happy flying, my friends!
See ya next time.
-The Chic(ish) Chick